Category: Writers Block
Well, after much thought, I have decided to post my fanfiction. I will post my fanfic in chapters, but on the same thread. Between chapters, you can tell me what you think about it. "
We begin our strange story with John Borkov, russion Cosmonaut, along with Sir Iliad Wyvern, lost in conversation on the russion starship Arrowhead.
"It's been a while since my last landing, but It's ok, if you like piloting starships." "Whatever, Just fly the space ship." As the viewport begins to fill with mist, a dark shape aproaches. "Huhh?" "What is it, John?" "It appears that the scanner is malfunctioning. As is the autopilot." "That autopilot is a curse, John. You should thank it for malfunctioning for you." "I never understood Englishmen!" All of a sudden...
The ship lands. Or, not really lands, but hovers over a bizarre planet. It's surface looks worn, and crators dot the location like stars in the night sky. As the spacecraft attempts to find a suitable landing spot, John and Iliad are lost in conversation again. "Damn! Stupid autopilot!" "So what? A real cosmonaut doesn't rely on autopilot to get his job done. Autopilot is for people who are too lazy to pilot starships themselves!" As his words echo through the radio, the mission control are listening... Worrying. Then, the disoriented ship begins spinning like a gyroscope, twisting like a tornado and flying like a wild bat out of hell. "Borkov? Borkov! Do you read me," screams mission control. As the ship crashlands on a mysterious (and yet very familiar) planet, mission control can only hope and pray, as the ship hurdles for that mysterious planet." That's it for now. Hope you like it.
Before I read this, let me ask one simple question. What sort of feedback are you looking for? Are you looking for generalizations, or are you looking for actual in-depth worshopping?
Just tell me how you like it. If you like it, that's fine. If you don't that's fine too. Just post what you think about it, along with any suggestions you might have. This is just my launchpad. If it is good, I will post it on fanfiction.net. If not, I'll either work on it some more, or it's trashed.
Really, people? You would rather read poetry, crazy satanistic essays and other stuff?? Think about it! It's not often that people post fanfiction here. But if you want me to stop posting, I'll stop. I'm not judging you, but Come on!
I know I've recently delved into the deep waters of poetry myself, but still! Come on! Oh, BTW, you satanists who would like to criticise my other comment about your essays, this is the Writers block, not the criticisms I just have to dish out block!
Word of advice, stop. Nothing's going to make people want to read your stuff less than actively critesising the fact that they aren't commenting. I know it's frustrating - I've felt the same way. I've gotten very few comments on a piece of original fiction I've been pouring my talent into. Sad truth seems to be, actual stories, whether they be fan fiction or one's own original ideas don't seem to go down as well on this site. Poetry's faster to read, and many people either don't have long attention spans, or are really busy. I myself have not forgotten about your story, but I haven't yet had the time to set aside to read it with the attention which will make you posting it here worth while.
I could just say "it's good" or "it's terrible" but what use would that be?
I feel I must also point out you have 29 views. People are obviously at least taking a look. It is very frustrating when nobody comments. But perhaps they'll contact you in person. I think how well you're known around here may play a part, too. There are a lot of factors to consider.
I told you I'd get to this eventually. Sorry it took so long.
Overall this jumps us right into the action. It catches the reader's attention with what's happening, but it's a little too brief. A little bit more build-up, even if it's just a bit more banter between the cosmonauts and maybe even mission control wouldn't hurt. What are they doing? Why are they traveling? Give them a moment to have an opening conversation before everything goes to hell.
the perspective needs some work. You've got a good skeliton of an opening, but it needs a little meat on its bones. Be more descriptive, and stick with the two cosmonauts. Instead of telling us mission control is sitting there worrying, have them interact with the cosmonauts; have them say something. Create more dialogue.
The first thing that struck me upon reading the opening paragraphs was the perspective. it's a little abrupt with more of a script feel than a story feel. What's happening is good, but the way it's presented is really difficult to read.
Your dialog is a little stilted at times, resembling two computers talking. I think I know what you're going for, but I think you overdid it a touch. The banter between the cosmonauts works well, but at the moment it sounds a little wooden. Try to make the speach a bit more natural.
For instance: "Whatever, just fly the space ship," could be changed to "Whatever. Just fly the ship." Or "Just fly". Or "Stop gabbing and focus." SOmething more personal between the two men.
"That autopilot is a curse, you should thank it for malfunctioning for you". could be "Autopilots are a curse, John. You're better off without it."
I like that you don't have a lot of "he said, she said" dialog tags. Some people use them way too often. That said, a couple wouldn't hurt. Generally nobody uses someone's name as much as Iliad does. And if this is a character trait of his rather than being a way of telling us who's speaking, try to work it into the story. By the way, I love the name Iliad Wyvern.
Good luck with the rest of this.